Your Horoscope: May 2017

Aquarius – January 20 to February 18 

Planetary index: 3/7

Love is in the air, and the ground, and in your bathwater. With so much of it everywhere, it’s almost like there’s none at all. Go above the mundane to really demonstrate your affection for whomever deserves it.

Pisces – February 19 to March 20

Planetary index: 0.4258

Stagnation is the only nation which doesn’t have borders, which is a polite way to recommend you stop using the same plate for every meal. You don’t even rinse it off! 

Aries – March 21 to April 19

Planetary index: 14

Look forward, Aries. Avoiding what is right in front of you is a dangerous game, because you can’t see the screen.

Taurus – April 20 to May 20

Planetary index: 0.2

Skipping class is a tempting proposition for seniors. As classes become less pertinent and college looms, stay resolute in your attendance. Or don’t. You are about to graduate.

Gemini – May 21 to June 20

Planetary index: 9/9

Nature will become an important part of your life soon, by necessity. Whether through opening a window or walking from school to your car, you will be outside within the next 24 hours.

Cancer – June 21 to July 22

Planetary index: 1912

Take that drum groove you’ve been shedding for the last three months and start playing it backwards. Doesn’t that feel weird? Taking commonalities from a different angle can often provide a perspective you didn’t even know was there.

Leo – July 23 to August 22

Planetary index: π

Poor comedy as a coping mechanism often requires others to resort to their own brand of awful humor to deal with your punning. Defeat this heinous cycle by dealing with personal tragedy only through post-ironic image macros and flippant references to being tired all the time.

Virgo – August 23 to September 22

Planetary index: 4.55

The summer season comes with many responsibilities undetected by the general public, one of which being maintaining personal responsibility. Refuse to be entirely lethargic for weeks at a time. Find some memorable event to participate in daily, whether it be walking the dog or listening to a favorite jazz album.

Libra – September 23 to October 22

Planetary index: [REDACTED]

Be wary of erroneously distributing your time. Unceasing, pounding productivity and social stimulation will leave you uncentered and adrift. It is easy to attain superficial contentment when you leave yourself no time to reflect on your mind in periods of solitude. Of all the things to avoid, yourself should not be one of them.

Scorpio – October 23 to November 21

Planetary index: one thousand six-hundred and twelve

Los traductores electrónicos no son confiables y sólo se debe confiar en casos extremadamente desesperados.

Sagittarius – November 22 to December 21

Planetary index: 10/3

Transitional phases of life occur, in a similar fashion to chemical reactions, only after a certain activation energy is reached. Be willing to exert a modest effort and you will set yourself apart from the pack.

Capricorn – December 22 to January 19

Planetary index: 4/5/98

Do not take horoscopes too seriously in relevance to your daily life. More often than not, astrological interpretations contain more wisdom for the author than for the reader. Try writing your own.

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